Diabolik Lovers Crack!
by DiabolikLoversGirl
Summary: This is just a humorous version of Diabolik Lovers. Anything can happen. (Some chapters may have scenes from movies and tv shows. I will tell you if the chapter is from any) Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

"Ayato-kun! Subaru-kun! Help me!"

Subaru and Ayato turned to look at Laito, setting down their darts. Ayato raised an eyebrow, seeing Laito standing on the couch. "What's up with you?"

Laito whined, pointing at the floor. "There's a spider! Kill it!"

Subaru facepalmed, closing his eyes. "Laito..."

Ayato scoffed. "Kill it yourself."

Laito shook his head, peering down at the spider. "No! It's scary!"

Sighing, Subaru walked over and stomped on the little critter, crossing his arms. "Better?"

He nodded, hopping down from the couch with a happy look on his face. "Thank you, Subaru-kun!"

Once the perverted boy left the room, Ayato grabbed the dart, throwing it at the board. "God... out of all the things, he's afraid of bugs."

Subaru nodded, throwing a dart as well. "It's sort of funny, though..." Ayato smirked suddenly, looking at Subaru. He raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Lets just say I'm not gonna be the best brother tomorrow," he chuckled, throwing another dart.

 ** _*Timeskip to Tomorrow*_**

A scream echoed throughout the house, sending everyone on alert. Shu narrowed his eyes, sitting up. "What the hell?" A few seconds afterward, Laito came running downstairs in his pajamas, eyes wide. Shu stood up. "Laito, what's wrong with you?"

"T-T-There's-" he flung himself behind Shu, making the older widen his eyes slightly. "S-Someone put b-bugs in my bed!"

Shu sighed, closing his eyes for a second. Ayato came downstairs, rubbing his eye. "What the hell is going on?" Shu noticed a hint of a smirk on his face. Though, he didn't say anything since Laito was holding onto his like Kanato hugs Teddy. A door slammed open, followed by many footsteps. Subaru came down behind Ayato, a pissed off look on his face. "Jeez, what happened to make _Laito_ scream?"

"Bugs!" Laito said, squeezing his eyes shut. "Kill them!"

Subaru slowly looked at Ayato, eyes narrowed. Shu rubbed his head, sighing. "Ayato, since you look so happy with this fact..." he looked at him with a small smirk, "go clean Laito's bed."

Ayato gaped at him. "What?! Why me?!"

Subaru chuckled, walking over and prying Laito off of Shu. "Well, it's your fault anyway..."

Laito perked at that, looking at Ayato. "You put the bUGS IN MY BED?!"

Ayato chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. "Maybe maybe not."

Lets just say Shu and Subaru had to keep Laito from murdering Ayato.


	2. Chapter 2

(Based off of Rejects by TomSka ( watch?v=tGBanqGBJ_I))

(Characters are a bit- scratch that, OVER THE TOP-! OC in this crack. Then again... it _is_ a crack. So that's f*cking perfect, let's continue)

With a sigh, Subaru closed the door to the living room quietly, closing his eyes for a second before turning around. Suddenly, his eldest brother, Shu, walked down the stairs. "Hey, Subaru."

Subaru pressed his back to the door in a panic, eyes wide as he tried to regain his composure. "Screw! Shoe- Shu! Hi, Shu... Do you want screws? We don't have any..." he looked to the side. "What are you doing here?"

The blonde stopped in his tracks, raising an eyebrow. "I live here."

Subaru nodded. "Great. Did your..." his voice cracked slightly, "hair loose... weight?"

"What's in the living room?" Shu narrowed his eyes, taking a step forward.

"What is a living room?" Subaru chuckled nervously, reaching forward and poking Shu's arm. "Did you get new... arms?"

Shu pushed him aside. "Move out of the way." Subaru stumbled to the side, red eyes a bit wide. "Noooooooo..." he quickly turned and followed his brother. Shu looked around the room when his foot hit something. Looking down, his eyes widened at the dead body at his feet. "AHHHHHHH-"

Subaru popped up beside him. "AHHHHHHHhhhh- that is a really nice chair!" he finished, pointing at the chair across from them. "Let's just... stare at it."

Shu looked at his younger brother. "I've already seen the dead body. You can't distract me." He blinked in surprise when another body fell out from behind the chair Subaru was pointing at. The albino looked up at the taller one, voice soft. "So nice..." Shu gestured to the two dead bodies that looked a lot like him. "What are all these dead bodies doing here?!"

"Honestly," Subaru shrugged, "not much."

Shu pulled out his phone. "I'm calling Father." Before he could lift the phone to his ear, Subaru snatched it away and threw it to the ground, dumping a bag of screws on top of it. After the last screw fell, Shu crossed his arms. "I want answers."

"Alright, I lied," Subaru sighed, bowing his head. "I do have screws-"

"About the bodies!" Shu interrupted, frustration clear in his eyes.

"Ohhh!" Subaru nodded, lifting his head. He started talking fast. "Well, you know when you want to tell someone something but you don't want to hurt their feelings so you kinda bottle it all up inside till it develops into an overwhelming urge to kill them?"

Shu stared at him for a moment. "Obviously."

"I cloned you so I could kill you," Subaru finished.

Shu looked at the two bodies, rubbing his head. "Oh my god- Wait. Why did you clone me twice?" He furrowed his eyebrows, his blue orbs focused on Subaru.

"Yes," Subaru looked to the side. "Twice..."

Suddenly, the door opened and another Shu walked in. Though, this one had a mustache. "Hola!" Subaru pulled out a gun and shot him without any hesitation. "Oh!" The clone covered his stomach, falling forward. "Adios!"

Blinking slowly, Shu looked at Subaru. "Who was that?"

"Oh, that was 'Spanish' Shu," Subaru smiled slightly. "I called him Spu."

"Why?"

"It's a portmanteau of Spanish and Shu-"

"No," Shu interrupted, "why was he Spanish?!"

"Oh! Yeah," Subaru bit his lip, "the cloning process took awhile to perfect. There were... rejects."

Shu crossed his arms, eyes narrowed. "How many rejects?"

The door opened once again. Another Shu clone walked in, running his hands through his hair. "Has anyone seen my penis?"

Shu's eyes squinted, confused. "Why would it be in your hair?"

Subaru chuckled. "That's 'doesn't understand the human body' Shu." Shu let out an "Oh!". The clone glared at them. "Hey!" he pointed at his elbow. "Say that to my face!" Clicking his tongue, Subaru shot the clone. The clone fell to the ground with a groan. "Ow, my knee!"

The door once again opened to a smirking Shu clone. He seemed to think a camera was in front of him. "Remember, kids, if a strange man offers you sweets, there's probably more in his car." He gave a small wink.

Subaru sighed. "'Really bad advice' Shu."

"Oh, right," Shu nodded. Subaru shot the clone, earning a cry of pain and "Ouch! Drink bleach!"

"I really hate this next guy," the next clone pointed behind him with a slight annoyed expression.

"'Raciest' Shu," Subaru said, shooting the male.

Another one walked in. "Pfft! White people!"

"'Secretly Asian' Shu," Subaru said, shooting him as well.

"Really?" Shu chuckled slightly. "They all look the same to me..." he trailed off as four more walked in at once. Subaru shot each one, earning four sing-song "Ow!"s. Subaru lowered the gun. "'Barber shop quartet' Shu."

Shu uncrossed his arms. "So, is that all of them?"

"Well, there's suicidal Shu, but uh..." a gunshot cut him off. "Yep, that's all of them."

Sighing in relief, the blonde looked down at the younger male. "Thank god. Y'know, if you have something to say, you can just say it to me. We've all bottled up our feeling to the point where we feel like our only option is to murder a bunch of clones, but you can just talk to me. Okay?"

He nodded. "Thanks, Shu."

"So, uh," Shu smiled, "what was it you wanted to say?"

Looking him dead in the eye, Subaru answered. "You're a clone."

"What?" His smile disappeared.

"I turned the real Shu into a chair."

"What?!" Shu turned his head to the chair from earlier.

Subaru smiled. "I call him Chu."

Muffled screaming emitted from the chair, followed by Shu's screams as well. Subaru just stood there with a smile, gun in hand, as the chair and his brother screamed.

 _ ***THE END***_

 _ ***BUT WAIT***_

Soon after they finished screaming, Reiji walked into the living room. He looked at the two. "Oh. Hey, guys." Subaru lifted the gun and shot him. Reiji yelped, falling to the ground. Shu turned and looked at Subaru. "Was that another clone?"

Subaru bit back a grin. "Yeah..."


End file.
